Faith. The third 'F' word I've touched on in as many weeks. More accurately, it's conforming to a religion that has been complicated for me. Faith, I'm beginning to warm up to.

Faith and Family
These are my parents. They married in 1964, the year my sister, Shereen, was born. They look happy in the photo, but I learned over the years that this was a challenging period for them. You see, my Christian father fell in love with my Muslim mother. They were longboard surfers back in the day, so they obviously liked to live on the edge. My Mom was with my Dad when he passed away. They were all alone in the little cottage they shared behind my house, and my Mom never left his side. She watched him draw his final breath. 'Till death do us part' had never rung more true. The end of their love story was both sad and poetic. The beginning... well, I suppose it was poetic in a slightly different way.
My Mom's upbringing was complicated from birth. I'll likely deal with some of this at some point, and probably in reference to childhood trauma, but for now, Mom was raised by her Muslim father, Achmat Abrahams and his wife, Farida. Mom's name (Zaide) is Arabic, derived from the word 'zaada', which means abundance and growth. For all intents and purposes, the Abrahams family practised Islam. Unfortunately for my Mom, her stepmother lived up to the negative stereotype, and things weren't always easy for little (or adult) Zaide. Her bringing home a Nasara (Christian) did not go down well.

My parents met at a house party and married in their twenties. This is one of my favourite photos because that's Dad in his bedroom and Mom in the photo on his bedside table. How lovely. And I'm so stoked to have both original photos (see below). As an aside, Dad also always had a book close by.
When my Mom fell pregnant, they were forced to marry, and my Dad, with the proverbial shotgun to his head, embraced Islam (the word embraced is used with tongue firmly in cheek). As per Muslim tradition, he was summarily circumcised at the age of twenty-six, re-named Faried, and they were married with little fanfare. A short while later, my sister arrived two months prematurely, and because my parents were married under Muslim rights, she has the Arabic/Persian name Shereen. Three years later, my brother Raoul was born. He was originally named Rashied but changed it when he turned twelve (my parents were cool like that).

By the time I came along, my parents and two older siblings were living with my Dad's Christian family, and they were all I knew for most of my childhood. In one of our challenging financial periods (of which there were many), one day, at around nine years old, we ended up back at my Mum's parent's house, and I met them for the first time. I came to learn when I was older that there were massive periods of estrangement because my maternal grandfather considered my Mom to be a murtad (an apostate), and he all but disowned her. Despite this, when my grandparents were left to fend for themselves in their late eighties, my Mom stepped up, and my grandfather died in my home, the same one where my Dad exited this mortal coil.
Our stay with my maternal grandparents was brief, and before I knew it, we were back amongst the extended family I knew and loved. The thing is, I wasn't Muslim, but I wasn't Christian either.
I had a wonderful childhood growing up with my Dad's family. My paternal grandfather apportioned his small piece of land, and five houses were built alongside each other. Twenty-three cousins and second cousins lived across these five houses, so we were never without a friend. I remember celebrating Christmas and knowing that my Dad's sisters were religious. Still, I didn't think about religion much until one Sunday, at the age of seven, I was baptised in a Roman Catholic church. My cousin Florence was named my godmother, and that was that. I had an inkling that there was something different about my parents because Islam is a prominent religion in South Africa, and my Mom's background was spoken about openly and not always without derision. My siblings and I also had decidedly different names from our Christian cousins, so the concept of religious othering was familiar to me at an early age when all I wanted was to fit in. Add to that racial discrimination in apartheid South Africa, and it made for a complicated existence. While I couldn't get away from politics, I became ambivalent about religion.
My parents would eventually find their path, with neither of them conforming to institutional religion. They never forced Christianity and/or Islam (or any other religious belief) on us but provided endless literature and engaging conversation, encouraging us to find our own way. For me, this is a work in progress.
Renewed Faith

I may not have embraced religion in childhood or as an adult, but I came to learn a lot about faith from someone who has known me longer than most people: my cousin Zelda. We've come a long way, she and I. This photo was taken at our grandparent's house when Zelda was five and I was one. I love sharing this photo with her, especially on her birthday, because it reminds me that she has always had my back. Years later, we're as close as we were in this picture (and the next one and the one after that).

Zelda is my Mom's goddaughter, and she's so much a part of our family that she lived with us in Zimbabwe for a couple of years. The picture on the right was taken in Harare in 1982/83, and she's looking at me in much the same way she did when she was five. I adored her then and remember thinking I wanted to be just like her when I turned seventeen.
We moved back to Cape Town in 1984 and remained close until Zelda moved to Johannesburg, where distance became challenging, and I could only see her once when she lived there. When she moved back to Cape Town with her beautiful family, we picked up our relationship as if no time had passed. Much like Zelda is like a sister to me, her husband, Alistair, is like a brother, and I consider their kids, Ashton and Tyrese, my niece and nephew. When I was the last of my immediate family in Cape Town, Zelda and her family became a lifeline for me, and this is when I started to learn about faith.

I remember attending Zelda's first holy communion, which she took with my two older siblings and two (or was it three?) similarly-aged cousins. Zelda and her family are steadfast in their Christian beliefs, and while we differ in this arena, my respect for her and how she embodies her faith is endless. We're not defined by our differences, though, but by our similarities. Unexpectedly, Zelda would be the person to reignite my interest in self-help (albeit fleetingly at the time). She developed a keen interest in all positivity-based approaches to living one's life. From crystals and numerology to mindfulness and angel or candle healing, Zelda was open to alternate ideologies to balance and improve circumstances while remaining true to her religious beliefs. During those last few years when I lived in Cape Town, we'd talk about these alternative approaches whenever we got together. It sparked my hope, but I didn't have Zelda's faith.

This is one of her favourite books, and she gifted me a copy, which I have hung onto for over fifteen years. The Prosperity Secret of the Ages is not the book I will work through next week, but I want to mention it because Zelda loves it so much, and I think she wanted me to love it, too. My difficulty with the book is twofold. Firstly, it is heavily rooted in Christianity, so I couldn't relate to it (I felt the same when I re-read The Game of Life and How To Play It). Secondly, much of it is focused on the law of attraction and manifestation, which, as I mentioned in Take what you need, leave what you don't...I'm not entirely on board with. I am 100% behind positive thinking to improve my state of mind, but I need to work through more texts around manifestation before I can (first) understand it and then write confidently about it. I want to think that the next time I have one of our many heart-to-heart talks, I can finally say to Zelda that I get it and that I understand why she loves this book so much.

So, if Zelda hasn't sparked my Christian faith, what has she inspired in me? We live many miles apart, with an 11-hour time difference, so catching up can be challenging. However, I've taken to calling her on my commute to work when the timing works out (i.e. when I've left for work early enough to catch her before she goes to sleep). A few weeks ago - on one of those calls, she spoke to me about the tremendous power of a well-timed, situation-specific mudra. As I weaved through early morning traffic, I smiled, filled with fondness for my faithful cousin. Over the last few weeks, as I prepared to work through this post, I realised that what I have learned from Zelda (over many years) is to be unwavering in one's beliefs - to choose faith instead of fear, no matter where that faith comes from and irrespective of one's religious beliefs.
What's Up Next Week
Another book Zelda gave me was Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss. The book also touches on religion but delves into mysticism and spiritual healing, and there are aspects of the book that appeal to me. I'll focus on some aspects I could identify with and look forward to writing about them next week.
FOOTNOTE: Atomic Habit 9

Zelda gifted me one of these. I love seeing it on the display shelf in my living room because it reminds me of her (not that I need reminding because I think about her so often). I associate the gift with all that is good. Still, as this post started to take shape, I thought about the reframing technique taught in cognitive behavioural therapy. I wondered if I could adopt this and change my association with the gift (or enhance it). Instead of limiting my association with the gift to fondness, nostalgia and sentimentality, I will start the habit of remembering to keep the faith and let go of the fear. I didn't turn out like Zelda when I turned seventeen, but maybe I can be a little more like her now.
Love you Cuz.
#Mindfulness #SelfHelp #Depression #Anxiety #ThereIsNoStigma #YouAreNotAlone #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness
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