On Tiptoes with No Luggage
- devabritow
- May 11
- 4 min read
I had every intention of writing about Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth this week. The book recently had a bit of a resurgence, with Oprah Winfrey adding it to her famous book club for the second time (a first in the book club's history). I will discuss that next week when I write about the book.
At the eleventh hour, I happened upon an Aldous Huxley quote, one I was familiar with in the far reaches of my mind. The quote is:
"It's dark because you are trying to hard. Lightly child, lightly... Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them... throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you... trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That's why you must walk so lightly... on tiptoes and no luggage... completely unencumbered."
How beautiful this quote is! How beautifully, profoundly breathtaking? I also like it because it reminds me of my sixteen-year-old great niece, who loves to walk about on her tiptoes, like a living, breathing Tinkerbell skipping on clouds. Light as a feather.
When I read the quote, it made me think about two things, both of which are connected to books that I have recently worked through. In the first instance, The Courage to Be Disliked (by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga) made me think about my proclivity for people pleasing. From having difficulty saying no, to avoiding conflict and apologising excessively, I often find myself putting the feelings and needs of others above my own - even if it goes against my grain. People pleasers are frequently described as being kind, helpful and agreeable. Of course, these are not inherently bad characteristics, but they can become problematic when that approach is detrimental to one's sense of self, mental health and overall well-being. Some of the underlying causes of people pleasing are childhood trauma, fear of rejection and perfectionism. I've written several times on childhood trauma and my inability to link my feelings of anxiety and depression to my earliest experiences, so I'm at a loss in this sense. Similarly, fear of rejection is often linked to abandonment issues and a fear of being disliked that is rooted in childhood. Again, that's not something I can relate to. This leaves perfectionism - the refusal to accept any standard that falls short of perfection. Sure, I like things to be a certain way, but this does not apply to all aspects of my life, and it's not a label I would readily attach to myself. Kashimi and Koga extol the virtues of living authentically, an ideal I strive for. Thusly, people pleasing is antithetical to living authentically because, in wanting to please others, we compromise some of who we are or want to be.
When the Aldous Huxley quote popped up on my Facebook feed, the second thing I thought about was last week's post about The Perfect Nurturer and particularly Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT).
This self-help journey is my attempt to lighten my load, to throw away the mental and emotional baggage that I have carried for way too long. I love Huxley's inclusion of the word (lug)gage, too, because it feels like I have been lugging this weight around since day dot. Who was it that said that the only weight we should stop wearing is the weight of other people's expectations? It is dark because I have been trying too hard, carrying loads that aren't mine and doing it with a smile when I am screaming internally. Worrying about what others might think if I dare say no. Constantly fighting an internal battle between making someone happy and choosing happiness for myself.
On one of my business trips, a supplier gave me a luggage tag that simply said, "mine." I didn't attach that tag to any bag except my own, so, metaphorically speaking, why am I taking on the expectations of others?
People-pleasing is motivated by fear—fear of the confrontation mentioned previously, fear of being labelled difficult or selfish. It's in my nature to be kind, helpful and non-confrontational, but my luggage sometimes weighs me down, and there is so much truth to the adage that "you can't pour from an empty cup". I need the courage to assert myself when I don't have the capacity or the inclination to do what others expect of me.
Myriad psychology-based articles (scholarly or otherwise) focus on methods for helping people-pleasers through mindful self-compassion, and they're all very helpful. Some books I've worked through have also stressed the importance of being kind to yourself. Aldous Huxley conveys this same message when he writes:
"Lightly child, lightly... Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them... throw away your baggage and go forward."
I'll need to drop the baggage that isn't mine to cope with what is. Huxley encourages self-compassion—adopting a gentler, more accepting approach to life, people, and myself. It is possible to say no with kindness, to let life flow, and to face challenges with grace and not stress. Along with the baggage that isn't mine, I will try to throw away some of my own baggage and go forward.
Coming Up Next Week
Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. Definitely Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth.
#selfcare #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #depression #therapy #peoplepleaser #selfcompassion #compassion #mindfulness
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