Comparison is the Thief of Joy
- devabritow
- 8 hours ago
- 7 min read
I love writing this blog, I really do. When I am sitting here in front of my laptop, there's nothing quite like it. The entire process appeals to me, from reading the books to researching some of the concepts to the act of typing out my thoughts; it brings me joy and a sense of purpose. Outside of holiday breaks, I have posted a blog every week since launching my website on the 1st of September 2024. However, I have been struggling with motivation for several weeks. And, I am talking about motivation in general, not writing this blog, because, aside from reading the texts, expressing myself in this way is the aspect I love most about this self-help journey. I don't want to skip it.
In last week's blog post, The Laws of Inner Energy, I wrote:
"There are few things I enjoy more than holding a book and savouring its contents, then sitting at my computer and putting the proverbial pen to paper. I have other responsibilities, of course, but I do think my time management skills are lacking. Add to that the hindrance of still having to contend with the black dog sometimes, and the bouts of anxiety that often take the wind out of my sails and my journey can be a case of two steps forward, one step back. It can also be three steps forward, no steps back or zero steps forward, two steps back. It's just how it is, and I have had a particularly erratic two weeks in this regard."
Those two erratic weeks have turned into three, and when I say I am struggling with motivation at the moment, I really mean it. Over the last three months or so, I feel like I have gotten a handle on bouts of anxiety. I went through a period when my resting heart rate was hovering around 95 most of the time, and up to 124 (and even 132) during particularly rough patches. It has since normalised to around 65-80, which I'm pleased about, but I am in a decided funk at the moment.
It's not my emotional state because I'm not feeling down or sad. It's simply a lack of motivation. My energy is down, and I don't want to do anything except nothing. 2025 has been a challenging year, it really has, so I wonder if, after more than eleven months of it, I'm just drained to the point that I don't have much left in the tank? Not being motivated carries negative connotations - like being perceived as apathetic, unambitious and lazy, so it's not something I like to associate with myself, and I certainly don't want to identify with it. However, I do get a sense that I need to recharge my batteries, so the upcoming holidays are something I am looking forward to more than I think I ever have before. Admittedly, heading across the ditch to the Gold Coast to spend time with family has a little something to do with that, too.
"Sometimes it can feel like two parts of yourself are yearning for different things. One part of you knows exactly what would be best for you in the long term. But another part of you can't bear the thought of starting today. So you don't."
The above quote is from Dr Julie Smith's book, Open When..., and it's from a chapter titled When You're Short on Willpower, which I wrote about in my post, Building Momentum. That said, this blog post isn't about finding motivation or delving into the reason why we feel unmotivated. Instead, it's a mish-mash of two things:
Comparison
Acceptance.
"If you compare yourself to someone else and come up short, that can leave you in one of two places. You either feel inspired, energized and motivated to learn from what you have seen is possible, or you fall uncontrollably into a downward spiral. If your experience is the second one, then the problem is not you and all of your apparent inadequacies, it's your comparisons."
The Double-Edged Sword
For the most part, I'll be relying on Dr Julie Smith's book Open When... for this post, and the focus will be on the chapter titled When you compare yourself and come up short.
After fifteen months of immersion in self-help literature, I can honestly say there is little to no downside. But can self-help be a double-edged sword?
The "little" that I mention here is a post for another day, but there is a school of thought that suggests focusing on one's problems perpetuates them. So, some might argue that my immersion in this self-help world and my focus on writing about it keep me tied to what ails me, in a way. As I said, it's a post for another day. Still, my take is that in exploring and researching the studies around mental health, and certainly in writing about them, one needs to maintain a degree of studious detachment. Yes, I often link these posts to personal experience, but it is toward an end. So, while I am certainly immersed in self-help literature, I am not immersing myself in the pain and trauma that is depression and anxiety. I am working to overcome it and, hopefully, help others do the same. That's the end.
But, where does comparison fit in?
For the most part, and as Dr Smith writes, I have found myself "energized, inspired and motivated to learn" from the authors, podcast hosts and poets I have encountered on my self-help journey. There has been no downward spiralling into unreasonable comparisons, but I have sometimes asked myself why I haven't made more progress. Why am I not completely healed (whatever that is), and why am I not already where they are? Why, in the words of Oprah Winfrey, have I not (yet) turned my wounds into wisdom?
"If you have some underlying self-destructive beliefs about whether you are fundamentally good enough, then you will not be choosing comparisons that will help your progress. You will be choosing comparisons that confirm those core beliefs, however damaging they may be. You will sit in full view of your own weaknesses and gaze at someone else's best show of strengths as if this is a level playing field."
I have to remind myself that most of the literature I have read was written by people who have gone through their own trials and tribulations, the very ones that have brought them to where they are now. Their best show of strength came from similar, and sometimes worse, struggles than I have endured, and while the playing field definitely isn't level at the moment, I rarely contemplate my weakness in the face of their strengths. I try to rely on the adage that everyone goes through life at their own pace, and that's what I am doing. The comparisons I'm making now are with yesterday's version of me, and the truth is, some days I feel better than the person I was, and other days I feel like I have made no change at all.
"Comparing and coming up short does not have to be a bad thing. It does not mean that we should never have compared ourselves at all. If that comparison leads to constructive forward motion and a bolstered belief that we can become more than what we are today, then it served us well."
I don't mind the two steps forward, one step back scenario I have found myself in over the last fifteen months because I truly believe that at some point, something is going to give, and I am going to have my lightbulb moment. I've seen sparks of it too many times to ignore, and that's when I take the two steps forward. Any steps back are thanks to drops in my focus. Forgetting what my mission is and pandering to the black dog, or the stifling weight of anxiety. Thankfully, both of these hindrances have been more manageable lately, and this is attributable, in part, to the fantastic literature I have been exposed to. I'm also beginning to understand what Judith Espinosa meant when she wrote in her poem that "serenity is born of acceptance". In life, of course, we have to accept the good and the bad. We have to embrace all aspects of ourselves because no human being is one-dimensional. Sometimes we take two steps forward, and sometimes we take one step back. We're both the Yin and the Yang. This is the natural course of life.
The Yin and the Yang
Yin and Yang are complementary elements in Chinese philosophy that illustrate how seemingly opposing qualities are linked and mutually reliant. Rather than representing good versus bad, they are two parts of a dynamic unity.
All things encompass both yin and yang, and their equilibrium leads to harmony.
If yin is dark, yang is light. If yin is passive, yang is forceful. If yin is cool, yang is warm. But they work together. They are in a constant state of transformation - into each other. So, day turns into night, activity transitions to rest, and warm becomes cold. Each is dependent on the other—there can be no light without dark, no action without rest. Harmony arises from their balance, not from favouring one side over the other.
Embracing yin and yang is beneficial as it provides a practical framework for achieving balance—physically, emotionally, mentally, and energetically. It transforms the abstract concept of having balance into something you can truly feel and apply.
Yang emotions drive us to take action—through motivation, assertion, and setting boundaries, while yin emotions encourage us to relax—fostering acceptance, patience, and compassion. By embracing both, you avoid overreacting (excessive yang) or becoming withdrawn (excessive yin). This balance allows you to assert yourself while remaining grounded.
Perhaps this is where I am in my journey. Rather than insisting on continuous productivity or perpetual peace, I need to recognise that life and us humans are cyclical. Some days we'll be outgoing and ambitious (yang), while other days we'll be introspective and calm (yin). Both states are okay and I can accept that.
Random Quote
"Countless words count less than the silent balance between yin and yang." (Lao Tzu)
#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #youarenotalone #thereisnostigma #wellness #selfcare #mindfulness
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