I've had this feeling in my stomach over the last few days. It's not unlike that feeling of anxiety that I have—the one I struggle to shake - the one that can sometimes last for days. There's something different about the current feeling, though; it seems to be hovering between my stomach and chest. After the week I have had and the book that I have read. I'm beginning to think the feeling is excitement, tinged with the air of possibility.

Horizonlessness
I recently started listening to Mel Robbins' self-titled podcast, and while driving to the beach yesterday, I listened to Episode 255: If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life. In this episode (available on SiriusXM Podcasts), the author and motivational speaker sat down with Dr. Aditi Nerurkar to discuss the science-based way to safeguard yourself from and manage stress. The seventy-minute podcast is filled with tremendous insight from start to finish, so much so that I hit the rewind button several times simply to hear what was being said a second (and sometimes third) time. Within the first few minutes, Dr. Nerurkar mentions the word "horizonlessness", which quite literally means having no horizon (or hope). Citing the the journalist Kayana Mogadam, who first used the term, Dr. Nerurkar describes "horizonlessness" as feeling a lack of enthusiasm for the future and believing that one doesn't have much to look forward to. I was saddened that the word even existed. It's like the antithesis of the North Star I mentioned in last week's post, and I thought it was akin to being rudderless - heading nowhere. It made me look at my approach to life.
It seems like I have been plodding for years - going through my day-to-day existence without much (in-depth) thought about what I wanted or where I wanted to be. It goes without saying that there is purpose in this self-help journey of mine, but, by necessity, it is something I have to take day by day, book by book, manageable moment by unmanageable moment. There's been little chance to dream or contemplate the future because I have been trying to get through the present. Much of what Mel Robbins and Dr Nerurkar discuss in the podcast is rooted in science and statistical data, so when Dr Nerurkar mentions that the brain is positively impacted when one anticipates a future alive with possibility, I believe her. The thing is, so many of us are locked in a vicious cycle of stress that it's all we can think about. Our amygdala has kicked our prefrontal cortex in the teeth, and we're constantly in fight or flight mode. I know, from experience, that it is difficult to get out of that state of mind, and I came to learn, through this podcast, that what is required is what Mel Robbins called a "biology reset".
The key is to spark the prefrontal cortex that controls "forward thinking", or what Dr Nerurkar refers to as "forward momentum", the feeling of ongoing progress and positive steps toward a goal. She recommends two simple steps that will help:
Improve your sleeping habits
Do something physical - even if it's for five minutes
These two steps and the other tips mentioned in the podcast speak to forming a habit. More importantly, you're choosing to do something, which (as Mel Robbins says) indicates a degree of agency: the ability to make decisions and have your choices actively influence your life. Sounds simple enough, right? Unfortunately (or rather, fortunately), there's a little more to it than that.

Over the five months I have worked on this blog, I've covered the importance of habits but haven't delved into motivation (nor will I in this post). Still, I want to quote Mel Robbins, who, on Simon Sinek's A Bit of Optimism podcast, said of motivation:
"And it's not a matter of will, it's a matter of skill. And it is a skill in life to be able to feel what you feel and then do what you need to do... you have to develop a skill of being able to ignore how you feel and choose to take action even when you don't want to."
During the course of this blog, I have been open about my struggles to motivate myself to take positive steps to change my circumstances - to get a handle on my anxiety and depression by making better choices and being mindful of my thoughts and behaviours. These books have all been read in an attempt to get me to that point. The peace I aspire to achieve through self-help and mindfulness is valid, but at some point, that peace will exist in a future version of me. As I have mentioned, I'm not entirely happy with the person I am right now. I'm not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but I have lost my way. I have been 'horizonless' and 'rudderless' for a while, and this self-help journey has been my way of finding the North Star. The Let Them Theory made me realise that the future version of me needs to be created now, and the book sheds some light on the skills I need to adopt to do that.
Skills? What Skills?
Like many authors I have covered during my self-help journey, Mel Robbins draws from a lived experience. Going from nearly crippling debt to being one of the most successful motivational speakers and authors in the world, Robbins credits her success with taking ownership of her life despite her circumstances. She maintains that learning how to do what is necessary is a skill one can learn, even when plagued with self-doubt, anxiety or anything else that inhibits your ability to cope.
The Let Them Theory is a mentality focused on acceptance, letting go (to an extent) and focusing on inner peace. It encourages allowing others to behave as they choose without trying to assert one's control. I was tempted to draw comparisons with Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, but The Let Them Theory deserves to (and does) stand on its own merit. Mel Robbins spent three years working on the book, and her hard work is evident in the end result.

The Let Them Theory will only be available in New Zealand in March, so I bought the eBook because I was so keen to get stuck into it. I highlighted the book up the wazoo, so you can be sure that I can go on and on about the virtues of the work - for there are many. Incidentally, the right page in the image on the left features some of the insight Mel Robbins gained from Dr. Aditi Nerurkar. It obviously resonated with me.
In my website's 'About Me' section, I mentioned the importance of reading these books yourself. That advice has never been more important than with this book. There are so many worthy aspects to note about The Let Them Theory, and I could go on and on about it. However, I had to create a balance between protecting the author's intellectual property and writing a blog that didn't ramble. Ultimately, I chose the broad strokes approach to writing about this week's book.
Having tested it multiple times, I must admit that even thinking "Let Them" offers a sense of release. There's no need to verbalise it. Each time I've faced a challenging situation since reading the book (almost always relating to people, as the author agrees), I have repeated those words like a mantra. Something shifts. You feel a sense of peace. Robbins calls the feeling "liberating" because when you "Let Them", you allow yourself to "Let Me".
"No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings."

And there you have it. It's all about me, and not in the selfish way we've come to understand from that phrase. Instead, it's about no longer pouring your energy into the futile pursuit of trying to control others and instead channelling that energy into yourself. In The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins focuses on eight fundamental areas of life in which one can successfully employ The Let Them Theory. What jumped out at me were the areas of stress, the opinions of others, learning to play the hand you're dealt and healing. Robbins writes, "Adults Heal When They Are Ready to Do the Hard Work". And it is hard work. When you're in the thick mud of depression and anxiety, you're aware of the fight it is going to take to get you out, and it makes you feel worse, so it's often easier to sleep, scroll through social media or lay in front of the TV.
"You are the love of your life. And the life you create - full of meaningful relationships, joy, and fulfilment - begins with how you choose to love yourself. Let Me."
Many years ago, when I spoke to someone about my struggles, he said simply, " We choose." Mel Robbins says the same thing: "Healing is a choice." It harks back to an earlier point in this blog about agency: the ability to make decisions and have your choices actively influence your life. As hard as it is to admit, choosing to heal has been the most challenging part for me, even as I tread this self-help path. The author uses the words "show up" twenty-three times in The Let Them Theory. It's about how we choose to show up for ourselves. If I take a step back and examine the last five months, have I really made an effort? Sure, I've put real work into the blog by reading and writing about the books, but while so much has resonated with me, I haven't embraced all the learnings from the texts. This is all on me. I've shown up to read, and I've shown up to write, but I haven't adequately shown up when it comes down to the brass tacks of actually implementing what I have learned.
Robbins also reminds us that we possess the innate power to create a life of our choosing—that we have agency. By and large, I continue to make the same choices. I continue focusing so much on meaningless pursuits that have gotten me nowhere. A degree of anger and frustration comes from the realisation that I have willfully chosen to continue struggling through the mud when I have the innate skill to change it. The only consolation is that every second we live offers us a chance to do things differently, and I want to start seeing the horizon.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
This week's blog title is borrowed from the above couplet from Mary Oliver's poem The Summer Day, which you can read in full here. Mel Robbins uses it to open Chapter 5 of The Let Them Theory. I don't know what the future holds, and besides the ideal of the peace I hope will come from learning to manage my mental health, the future is not something I have imagined in any great detail. I've considered whether it's because I'm so fixated on trying to stay present as a means of managing my anxiety and depression. I've also wondered if it's simply because I don't have the courage to dream. This brings me to that feeling of excitement, tinged with the air of possibility I mentioned in my opening paragraph. That feeling is also laced with nervous energy - the 'what if I fail again' thought that is as ever-present as anxiety.
There's a quote from the film 'As Good As It Gets', where Jack Nicholson's character (Melvin Udall) tells Carol Connelly (played by Helen Hunt) that she makes him, "want to bet a better man". At the end of the podcast, Dr Nerurkar tells Mel Robbins that she is "the ultimate in parasocial relationships". Do you know what that is? Don't worry, I didn't either. Dr Nerurkar explains it is "when you feel a sense of connection with someone, but you have no idea, you've never met them" (taken verbatim from the SiriusXM transcript). If you're familiar with Mel Robbins from her books, talks, podcasts or social media, you'll know how personable and relatable she is. She refers to her followers as friends and always signs off her video posts with a kiss (at least in all the videos I have seen). Given that the author continuously drives home the point that the power rests in us, she'll probably baulk at this, but she makes me want to be better. The Let Them Theory made me want to aspire to what Mel Robbins assures is latent inside me. How can I not feel a sense of excitement and the air of possibility when she ends her book with the following quote:
"And if you don't know where to start, Let Me help you take the first step. In case nobody else tells you, I want to be sure to tell you: I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to unlock all the magic and joy that your amazing life has to offer. All it takes is two simple words: Let Me."
Coming Up Next Week
My darling niece, Amber, gifted me Evolve Your Brain, Dr Joe Dispenza's first book. All things being equal, this is the book I will work through next week.
#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #selfhelp #mindfulness #youarenotalone #thereisnostigma #theletthemtheory #melrobbins
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