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The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

devabritow

Updated: Dec 27, 2024

I had lofty ideas about this week's post, but it was not to be. One of the points Mark Manson drives home in his book is that no one is immune to life's problems, and sometimes things don't go according to plan. It's just how life is. That's kinda how my week went, but maybe I can put a positive spin on it by looking at the last seven days through the lens of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.




I tested positive for COVID on Tuesday, and today's my last day of isolation. In a spectacular example of things not working out, I had a ticket to hear Mark Manson talk in Auckland on Friday night. Ain't that a kick in the head?

I felt bad that I got COVID. I felt bad that I couldn't go to Mark Manson's talk. I felt bad that I couldn't include Friday night's talk in my blog post. I felt bad that I lost $109. That's a whole lot of feeling bad.

Before I write anything else - the use of expletives in Manson's book is not limited to its title. The work is laden with four-letter words, so it's not for everyone. The author uses it freely and colourfully. I've chosen to sanitise some of the quotes by following the title's example of using strategically placed asterisks, but if this language offends you, proceed with caution.


By page 8 of his book, I already had one of my favourite quotes:


"By not giving a f*ck that you feel bad, you short circuit the Feedback Loop from Hell; you say to yourself, "I feel like sh*t, but who gives a f*ck?" And then, as if sprinkled by magic f*ck-giving fairy dust, you stop hating yourself for feeling so bad."

Auckland Live touted the Mark Manson event as "an evening of no-BS life advice" by an author with a "no-nonsense approach to self-help". I bought my ticket weeks ago and hoped that the talk would bolster the elements of the book I would touch on today. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. I'm chuckling as I type this because when I picked up the book in preparation for this week's post, the above quote immediately jumped out at me, and I felt a little sheepish. So, this is me, putting on my big-girl pants and basking in some "magic f*ck giving fairy dust". This week happened, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Boy, does it feel great to laugh about it now. There's liberty in levity, and there's liberty in letting go.


There is a considerable degree of levity in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Still, Mark Manson touches on very real, very accurate issues around self-help and provides me with a framework through which I can examine my approach to anxiety and...



The book has nine brilliantly titled chapters with equally brilliant subtitles like 'You Are Not Special' and 'How to Be a Little Less Certain About Yourself'. When looked at in its entirety, some themes stuck out, and I will focus on these aspects of the book.


Being Selective About What We Care About & Embracing Pain

"There is a suble art to not giving a f*ck. And though the concept may sound ridiculous and I may sound like an a**hole, what I'm talking about here is essentially learning how to focus on prioritizing your thoughts effectively - how to pick and choose what matters to you and what does not matter to you based on finely honed personal values."

There's that word again, 'thoughts'. What am I thinking about? What are my priorities? And that other important word, 'values'. What matters to me? Is my focus adequately there? It's been interesting how these books have rolled out on my journey. I have always found that most self-help books are connected in some way. Still, even if serendipitous, I love how I have been able to create a little puzzle of my own, linking concepts across literature and taking joy in making the connections (if only for now, at least).


In my Spoiler Alert post, I mention how, in Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Dr Joe Dispenza writes about stepping from the known to the unknown and that the change can be uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Mark Manson writes something similar but in his own, inimitable way:


"Learn to sustain the pain you have chosen. When you choose a new value, you are choosing to introduce a new pain into your life. Relish it. Savor it. Welcome it with open arms. Then act despite it."

I wrote the word 'HABITS' alongside the above marked-up quote because I also thought about James Clear's Atomic Habits. Changing one's habits is so tricky that James Clear advises us to change them in bite-sized increments. But change them we must if we're to see any improvement in our circumstances. Values and habits. You need to identify the former to build the latter. I only just figured that out.




In the late noughties, I regularly saw a naturopath/osteopath who took a holistic approach to healing. As an aside, he was the reason I bought the Tao te Ching. I went into his surgery one day with a decidedly 'woe is me' attitude, and he said, "We choose." It had the same effect as ignoring a baby when they have a tantrum (which apparently works), and I haven't forgotten it. However, it took on a different meaning when I read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. A huge part of Mark Manson's entire fifth chapter is about choice. It's even called You Are Always Choosing. I have given a lot of thought to my choices, but this week, I have decided to focus on the positive.


For personal context, I value the purpose of this blog. I value the writing process and the work that goes into producing one every week. But it does come with a degree of pain. Launching this blog has involved taking a close look at my past failures, challenges and the limitations of my writing abilities. However, some "magic f*ck giving fairy dust" must have been sprinkled on me fourteen weeks ago because despite the pain of hovering depression and anxiety, the pain of an often relentless lack of motivation and the pain associated with some aspects of my experience, this blog has become a habit because I value it. I have (necessarily) had to eliminate other habits to make room for this one, and I won't have it any other way. Going forward, I aim to continue to broaden the scope of my new habits by inculcating good ones that replace the bad ones.


Taking Responsibility & Letting Go

Whether in a personal or work context, I have concluded that many of the challenging experiences I have gone through have been self-inflicted and/or avoidable. Mark Manson writes that:

"We don't always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond. Whether we consciously recognize it or not, we are always responsible for our experiences."

In a practical sense, if I don't want to be penalised for a late tax return, I need to get my A into G and make sure that I submit it in time. To avoid weeks of worrying about getting my passport back in time for a trip, I must ensure that I apply in good time. If I don't want to get fined because my vehicle registration has expired... (you get the gist). These are actual things. I have a terrible memory of sitting up in the middle of the night worrying about a passport being processed ahead of a work trip I knew about months prior. And this happened fifteen years ago. The tax office sends regular reminders to submit your return, and the transport office does the same. These experiences are all on me. But what about the ones that are out of my control? The ones that undoubtedly happen in the future?



In Chapter 6 of his book, You're Wrong About Everything (But So Am I), Mark Manson writes that "Growth is an endlessly iterative process. When we learn something new, we don't go from "wrong" to "right". Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong." Life is a journey of constant learning, and we'll never know all the answers. We can make things easier, though - by doing our best, being diligent and taking ownership of our mistakes. If we accept that we're fallible and embrace our mistakes as lessons and not life sentences, it becomes easier to let go of the fear of messing up or the fear of repercussions. We've already established that we're not immune to life's vicissitudes, so as I have mentioned twice before, I want better coping mechanisms. I don't want to resort to fear, lapsing into depressive or anxious states or shutting down. When coupled with Eckhart Tolle's concept of The Power Of Now, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck makes a formidable coping mechanism.


 

What's Up Next Week

Next week's book also involves the 'F' word. It's failure; I will be writing about a book on failure.


"The key to a good life is not giving a f*ck about more; it's about giving a f*ck about less, giving a f*ck about only what is true and immediate and important."

 


FOOTNOTE: Atomic Habit 7


I have a lot going on at the moment, and with the end of 2024 being so close, it can feel like the end of a toilet roll that spins much faster as it's nearing completion. You know, the whole 'so much to do, so little time' stage of the year. It's tempting when one has so much happening to soldier on - to put on a brave face and power through, but it is brutal on one's physical and mental health. This week forced me not to fall into my usual pattern and made me step back and contemplate past behaviours. To be clear, the words 'love yourself' are used here, not in an egotistical way but in a self-care way. So many self-help authors write about this, but I've only recently started taking more notice. We're much harder on ourselves than on the people we love, and we shouldn't be. I wouldn't encourage my sister to go to work if I knew she was sick, so why have I done this to myself in the past? I can offer myriad responses to this question - things like being self-sacrificing, fear of fallout, the perception of others, anxiety... This week, I took a deep, figurative breath and put my health first. I rested, watched my thoughts, and focused on "what is true, immediate and important". Despite my week, I feel good today. I think Mark Manson would approve.


 

 


 

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