The High School Bully
- devabritow
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt)
Tomorrow, 1 September 2025, marks the first anniversary of this blog. Aside from a couple of weeks off for holidays, I have been steadfast in churning out these posts. Yes, life has sometimes gotten in the way, and I've had to deviate from the norm, but skipping a week has never been an option. I may have had to adjust my course a little from time to time, but I can safely say that these weekly blog posts have become a habit, and I am very pleased about that. The number of visitors to my site has dwindled somewhat, but this has not deterred me. I continue to believe in the power of self-help literature and hold hope that it will help someone at some point. It is certainly helping me.
I don't think there's a single book, poem or podcast that didn't resonate with me on some level during the last twelve months. I've amassed more books than I could have imagined over the last year. When I set out to launch this blog, I aimed to work through the books I've had for years, without opening them. However, this journey has taken me down a rabbit hole that I'll willingly jump down time and time again. In The Willingness of the Mind, I wrote a little about the wonders of the rabbit hole and how a book, poem, or podcast could lead me to yet another excellent book, poem, or podcast. It has been heavenly, and a new bookshelf is most certainly on my to-do list.
It's clear to me now that churning out a blog post every Sunday is a habit - a good one, too, but what other habits have I inculcated since launching My Self Help Journey? Sadly, not very many, and I remain a work in progress. The good thing is that the books, podcasts, and poems—and the messages inherent in them — are beginning to take hold. Those synapses are starting to fire differently, and new neural pathways are beginning to form - slowly but surely. It takes a lot of work, though, and that is something I need to keep in the forefront of my mind. No matter how marked up a book is, it means nothing if I'm not heeding the messages.
I had a high-school bully. Hell, I even had a primary school bully and a pre-school one, too. In fact, I'm still being bullied.
By me.
I am my own worst critic. I've laughed in the face of the late Eleanor Roosevelt by granting consent to a voice that deems me inferior.
I hold myself to higher, often harsher standards than I would expect from others. My inner voice constantly evaluates, judges and sometimes amplifies my mistakes and (perceived) shortcomings, even when they're insignificant. I've done this since childhood, and (from a mental health perspective) it has not served me well. I allow almost no margin for error, and it is ponderous.
"Nobody is quite as concerned with your human imperfections as you."
At the end of last week's post, I mentioned that I would be focusing on Wendy Suzuki and Billie Fitzpatrick's book Healthy Brain, Happy Life. Well, life happened, and I had to steer off course a little, opting for one of Dr Julie Smith's chapters in Open When.... A few short weeks ago, I'd written on one of the other chapters of her book in The Spotlight Effect. The chapter I chose for today is titled When Your Inner Voice Is Your Own Worst Critic. As I paged through her book, I realised that I was definitely my own worst critic and I wanted to do something about it.
The Best Friend vs The Worst Enemy
Currently, and for most of my life, I have been both the boxer and the punching bag. I'm my own worst enemy, but I have the potential to be my own best friend.
I'm not sure what sparked this behaviour, but I have been mentally punching myself for as long as I can remember. I have mentioned several times before that I can't pinpoint any specific trauma, so I don't have any easy answer to this myself, but I continue to search.
Research shows that there is indeed a significant connection between the inner critic and experiences of trauma, particularly in cases of emotional neglect, abuse, or environments where safety and acceptance were unpredictable. There's not a single thing in the previous sentence that I can relate to because, as I have said, my childhood memories - especially concerning my immediate family- are filled with good experiences. While researching the inner critic and trauma, I learned about the various ways in which they're connected.
If (for example) a person was raised in an environment that was critical, dismissive, or unsafe, they often internalise the external criticism or judgment. Eventually, this transforms into an inner critic that echoes those same messages, even when the original source is no longer there. This did pique my interest, as I have a vivid memory of a student teacher telling the class that I was stupid because I asked her to explain something to me. Six years old and someone entrusted with the minds of children says something like that? Now, I know that I am not stupid, but did that experience at the age of six root itself so deeply in my psyche that I continue to internalise that external criticism and judgment? It's not outside the realm of possibility because one of the other ways that trauma and the inner critic connect is through hypervigilance, and I can relate to that.
Trauma conditions the nervous system to remain in a state of high alert. Similarly, the inner critic can reflect this by searching for perceived imperfections or failures within oneself, much like the body looks out for external dangers. I check and double-check everything I do (especially in a work context). Is the criticism from a student teacher at the age of six so deeply ingrained that I am hypervigilant, wanting to avoid hearing it again? Perhaps it's a survival mechanism? By judging myself in advance - pinpointing my own shortcomings, no one can use it against me? After so many years, it's exhausting, and it is something I'd really like to get a handle on. Thankfully, there are documented methods on how to do just that - to embrace self-compassion practices and soften and transform the inner voice into something completely different. Much like the other chapters of her book, Dr Julie Smith provides her readers with "real-time tools" to help.
"Not all criticism is helpful. But how do we go from the kind of self-criticism that brings you down and kicks you while you're there, to the kind that amplifies your drive to try hard and get back up after setbacks?"
Changing a deeply embedded inner voice takes time. It requires gradually recognising self-critical patterns, reframing them, and deliberately opting for gentler, more realistic self-talk as time progresses. The author lists five things that we need to remove from our self-talk, in favour of five that we should include. From changing one's perspective to honesty and choosing our words carefully, Dr Smith provides helpful insight into shifting from negative self-talk to the self-compassion mentioned in the previous paragraph. This compassion is the antithesis of being a bully, and the shift fosters growth and progress instead of fuelling a self-attack.
Open When... has proven to be a handy (not-so) little book that one can dip into as needed. Some of the chapters don't resonate with my experience, but they hold value nonetheless. I look forward to covering another one of Dr Smith's helpful chapters.
Coming Up Next Week
I won't commit to anything. A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I had made a life-changing decision. The effects of that decision are still in play, and I'm unsure how the week will unfold. Come hell or high water, there'll be a post, though.
#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mindfulness #selfcare #selfhelp #youarenotalone #thereisnostigma #wellness
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