True Maturation
- devabritow
- Mar 16
- 6 min read
The natural process of reaching adulthood or full development. Characterised by wisdom and responsible behaviour, true maturation encompasses physical, emotional and cognitive growth. By this measure, I haven't quite matured.
Since launching this blog just over six months ago, I have largely skirted over the issue of trauma because, truth be told, I haven't been able to link my experiences with depression and anxiety to a particular event. We all go through challenging periods, and I certainly have, but I still haven't pinpointed one thing that contributed to the down periods I have experienced for almost forty years. I considered whether the near abduction I experienced between the ages of fifteen and sixteen was the root cause. While walking to a dance class one day, I was accosted by two members of one of the most notorious gangs in Cape Town and had someone not driven past and scared them off; I shudder at what could have happened. Still, as horrifying as the experience was, I know that I endured periods of melancholy and fear before that. Coupled with a therapy session, this week's book gave me pause to reflect, and while I don't have definitive answers to my questions, I have gained some insight that may see me eventually get to the bottom of why.
Gabor Maté is one of those public figures I knew only by seeing him (or posts about him) on social media. I hadn't read any of his books, but I listened to him on the Fail Better podcast on Lemonada Media, and I liked his description of trauma, which I've since heard on other podcasts and clips on the internet. He says that:
"Trauma is not what happened to you or happened to somebody else. Trauma is what happened inside us... the wound that we're carrying."
To reiterate, I haven't been able to link trauma to any specific event in my life and have questioned whether there is any at all. Still, I often hurt deep down inside, and it feels like I am carrying a wound, but I don't know where the wound came from. I don't know its source. All I know is that it is there, and, at the very least, I want to understand it, if not heal it completely.
"What are the irreducible needs of the child? By "irreducible" he means a need that the child cannot do without if she is to reach her Nature-endowed potential; one that, if not met, will incur negative consequences. It is true maturation, not schooling, learning or genetics that is key to becoming fully human and humane. We cannot teach maturity; nor can we cajole, entice, or coerce a child into it. What is required of us is to ensure the developmental conditions that satisfy the child's non-negotiable needs; from there Nature more or less takes care of the rest."
As with many of the books I have read and written about, The Myth of Normal is marked up throughout, and the above quote resonated with me, especially when examined alongside something a therapist said to me last week. After my panic attack two weeks ago, I sought help from a counsellor, and she posed an interesting question about one's sense of place within a hostile environment such as the apartheid era. Make no mistake, segregation during South Africa's apartheid era was horrific, and its ugly legacy persists and permeates across racial lines. I have stories to tell of that time, but I had never linked my experiences with depression and anxiety to politics until I was asked that question. It was not an "aha" moment by any stretch of the imagination, but it did give me pause for thought and introspection. While I can't say with certainty that the depressive or anxious episodes I have endured over decades can be linked to my experiences during that time, outside of the microcosm that was my family unit, I existed within the macrocosm of a racist South African government. At the very least, I owe it to myself to consider this macrocosm concerning "developmental conditions" beyond my immediate and extended family.
"Trauma Fosters a Shame-Based View of the Self"
"Contained in the experience of shame is a piercing awareness of ourselves as fundamentally deficient in some vital way as a human being." (Gershen Kaufman as quoted by Gabor Maté)
At around fourteen, my cousins and I were heading to the movies. We had to take the train to a suburb that had a cinema for non-whites. I borrowed a cool T-shirt from my cousin, Charnell. It was yellow and had 100% printed on it. As we stood on the platform where the non-white carriages would stop, a train approached. As it slowed, two white boys were leaning out of the window, and as they passed us, one boy said, "100% black." It hurt, and as misguided as I now know it was, I felt shame. It reminded me that I was different and that no matter how cool my T-shirt was, I would be viewed and judged by my race first.
"Suffice it for now to say that the quality of early caregiving is heavily, even decisively, determined by the societal context in which it takes place."
South Africa's Group Areas Act of 1950 meant that we essentially lived in racial pockets divided into Black, Coloured, Indian and White groups. So, if, like me, you were classified as 'coloured', you could only live in certain areas. If you were 'black', you were relegated to townships. As much as this racial hierarchy impacted my Coloured community, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my Black countrymen and women suffered even worse indignities. This degree of segregation alters one's perceptions because, for a long time, I only knew what it was like to live as a Coloured person. I understood at an early age that my government considered me a lesser human being because of the colour of my skin. I could also tell by the 'Whites Only' signs on trains, beaches, public restrooms and comments about my T-shirt. I could tell by the fact that there were only Coloured children in my school.
When my parents started exploring different belief systems that involved vegetarianism, they would hold clandestine spiritual meetings at our home at night, and it would be the first time I was exposed to White people in a sense that involved interaction. Until the age of five, I thought all White people were vegetarian because that's all I knew about them. I knew that my Dad had a White boss, but that, as a foreman on building sites, he oversaw both Coloured and Black labourers, and that was why he could speak Xhosa. For a long time, I lived in a designated box, knowing that there were written laws that deemed me inferior.
"We are the receiver of all the happiness and all the anxieties and difficulties of our parents."
I would live under a racist regime until, at the age of twenty-four, I cast my vote during South Africa's first democratic election in 1994. My parents endured an even longer imprisonment, but I am so thankful for the bubble of safety they created for my siblings and me. They did the best with what was available to them, and for all intents and purposes, I had a happy childhood. However, like I wrote in the post on Elizabeth Day's How To Fail, I struggled with fitting in. I was incredibly shy and fearful. I minded my place. I towed the line and avoided any circumstance that would see me at the centre of any attention. Gabor Maté argues that unresolved childhood trauma is a root cause of many chronic illnesses, including mental health issues. In The Myth of Normal, the author refers to "capital-T trauma" and the fact that it "underlies much of what gets labeled as mental illness". Does apartheid have anything to do with the struggles I have had since childhood with anxiety and depression? At this stage, it is not a yes or no answer, but it is worth considering. I think it begs more introspection, at the very least.
"Among the most poisonous consequences of shame is the loss of compassion for oneself. The more severe the trauma, the more total the loss."
Gabor Maté stresses the need for a more holistic approach to healing. He asserts that to heal, one has to recognise past traumas and practice compassion for oneself. I've said it before - this is a journey, and working my way through books with differing approaches is my way of trying to heal in an all-compassing, holistic way. That said, I feel like I haven't quite reached True Maturation because I am still working on emotional and cognitive growth. I have yet to get to the bottom of the cause of my struggles with anxiety and depression, but I believe that I am making progress.
What's Up Next Week?
I bought four of Martha Beck's books a couple of weeks ago. She was on The Mel Robbins Podcast in an episode titled How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want. I was riveted. Given my recent panic attack, I'm going straight to Martha Beck's Beyond Anxiety. It's a workbook, and I can't wait to get stuck into it!
#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #selfhelp #selfcare #mindfulness #thereisnostigma #youarenotalone #mythofnormal #themythofnormal
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