What an unfortunate way to describe #depression. I mean, look at that face. This is not a reference I generally use. However, as this blog began to take shape, an unintentional yet natural frontrunner for the first book I would discuss became obvious. The book in question is Matthew Johnstone's autobiographical/self-help hybrid I Had A Black Dog: His Name Was Depression (2005). It is a phenomenal read based on someone's personal experience and accurately reflects mine. Not a new phrase, the use of 'black dog' to describe depression is widely credited to the Roman poet Horace, who (incidentally) is considered the world's first autobiographer. However, the phrase was (perhaps) most famously used by Winston Churchill to describe periods of gloom. After hearing about a German doctor who had helped a friend through depression, in a 1911 letter to his wife, the statesman wrote:
"I think this man might be useful to me if my black dog returns. He seems quite away from me now; it is such a relief. All the colours come back into the picture."
Metaphorically, the phrase 'black dog' refers to the ever-present dark shadow that follows one around, much like man's loyal best friend. Johnstone's is a written and illustrated account of his experience with depression, and I would be hard-pressed to find a book that so simply yet perfectly and poignantly describes the condition, its effects and how hard it is to live with and overcome.
The book opens as follows:
"Looking back, Black Dog had been in and out of my life since my early twenties".
I could relate to Johnstone's book from its opening line because I first recognised my condition when I was seventeen. The realisation that I was also anxiety-stricken would come a little later. Johnstone's book is an easy, 10-minute read, yet in that time, he highlights almost every personal experience I have had with depression. From the inability to self-motivate to the lack of confidence, constant negative thinking to the absence of any feeling at all - his book nails what I have lived through, and it made me feel less alone because it became clear that he and many other people were going through the same thing.
This blog is almost three years in the making, and aside from the depression-related procrastination and general lack of motivation, I think that subconsciously, I was also holding back for another reason, one that Johnstone once again encapsulates perfectly:
"My biggest fear was being found out. I worried that people might judge me. Because of the shame and stigma associated with Black Dog, I became a champion at fooling everyone, both at home and at work."
Stigma... a mark of disgrace or infamy. I think that mental health disorders were indeed stigmatised for a long time, and I'm not sure that I would have had the fortitude to embark on this journey a few years ago. Johnstone's book is almost twenty years old, and while I wish that I had read it sooner, part of me believes that books come to us when we need to read them. I admire the author's bravery in speaking out when he did, and I am sure his book has encouraged many people in the same way it emboldened me, which is to acknowledge my struggles openly. In recent years, it appears that things have improved, and gains have been made in terms of the public's perception of mental illness and the importance of mental health. From outspoken celebrities to an overall increase in awareness and support, there appears to be a shift from that stigma to understanding and acceptance. In light of this, I feel like I can finally talk about my experience and the steps I have taken and continue to take in an attempt to manage my mental health.
Despite identifying depression in my teens, and although I had been exposed to self-help books since childhood, it was only in my thirty-second year that I eventually sought help.
In 2002, my Dad passed away three weeks short of his sixty-fourth birthday. Young by any standard, it was a shock to everyone who knew and loved him. As quickly as he became sick, he was gone. Now, his death was not the reason I went into therapy, but it was catalytic. Three months after his passing, I went into treatment and attended weekly sessions for two years and three months. I won't go into too much detail at this stage but will likely touch on this while working through some of the self-help and mindfulness books during this blogging exercise.
A short time into my therapy sessions, I was prescribed my first anti-depressant (paroxetine), and over the last twenty-plus years, I moved onto venlafaxine, fluoxetine and ultimately, sertraline. In my experience, antidepressants do what they're supposed to. They dull the edge of both depression and anxiety and make it easier to cope. Millions of people rely on them, and they have earned their place in medicine. However, I was always iffy about taking them. Initially, this was mainly due to that fear of being stigmatised, but my need for help eventually won out, and I figured it was something I could keep to myself. Ultimately, my resistance to antidepressants or SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) became more about my physical reaction to the medication. I found that the meds numbed me to other feelings, too, and it bothered me that I didn't cry at all.
My experience with the four SSRIs spans (sporadically) throughout the last two (or so) decades. On the occasions that I went back onto medication, it was triggered by either a terrible bout of depression or #anxiety (sometimes both). I'd take the medication for a few months, attempt to recalibrate and then wean myself off of them. With sertraline, the last SSRI I took, I began clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth to the point that my dentist suggested braces, and I didn't want that. After that dental appointment, I started reducing my dosage and spreading out the medication over more and more days until I eventually stopped altogether. I haven't taken any form of SSRI since February 2021, and, all things being equal, I don't intend to either. This does not mean that I am healed, nor does it mean that I am coping because sometimes I am not. I have to actively work toward maintaining a mental and emotional balance. Some days, I succeed, while on others, I struggle to drag myself out of bed.
When 2023 and 2024 turned out to be particularly challenging years, I started seriously thinking about alternatives to medication. I was after a more holistic approach to mental health. My Dad used to say that ultimate #wellness was synergistic - the combination of a body, mind and soul aligned for optimal health. The self-help books I will examine over the next period encapsulate all three of these things, and I look forward to reviewing them in juxtaposition with the texts. To date, however, I have tried and failed to embrace this 'body, mind and soul' outlook - the reasons for which are linked (in part) to my mental health struggles.
I Had A Black Dog is a book that I imagine will pop up again during this blogging journey. Till then, I want to say that what I like most about Johnstone's book is its uplifting end - one that encourages the aforementioned holistic approach to a healthy mind, body and soul. While acknowledging that "there is no quick fix", the author touches on a few helpful mechanisms (including medication) that one can put in place to (help) treat depression. In one of my favourite passages, he says, "Black Dog is fat and lazy" and "hates exercise mostly because it makes you feel better" (body). He also suggests meditation to help with stress (soul) and journaling to channel one's thoughts (mind). This notion of keeping a handle on one's thoughts (mindfulness essentially) will play a significant part in my blogging journey, and I look forward to sharing my initial thoughts on it in my next post.
I Had A Black Dog: His Name Was Depression was first published in 2005 and has been reprinted multiple times. Matthew Johnstone has written nine books, all of which I look forward to posting about in due course. The author's website, 'DFE—Drawn From Experience,' is well worth a visit. The 'Drawn' button below will take you directly to the site.
The book is also available to purchase at the affiliate link below.
#TheBlackDog #MatthewJohnstone #Anxiety #Depression #Mindfulness #SelfHelp #Books #BodyMindSoul #Awareness #MentalHealth #Wellness
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