I'm a Liar!
- devabritow
- Jun 23
- 7 min read
"We must kill the lies we believe before they kill our ability to live life to the full." (Niki Hardy, Breathe Again: How To Live Well When Life Falls Apart)
It's strange how we hear certain words and automatically assign a definition to them, because that's what we know them to mean. To date, whenever I hear the word 'integrity', my go-to definition is: "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty." The word does, of course, mean all of these things, but this past week I learned a different definition:
"The book, as you may have gleaned from the title, is all about integrity. But I don't mean this in a moralizing sense. The word integrity has taken on a slightly prim, judgmental nuance in modern English, but the word comes from the Latin integer, which simply means "intact" To be in integrity is to be one thing, whole and undivided."
This week, I worked through Martha Beck's The Way of Integrity. It's an extraordinary literary work, and I found myself moved to tears or on the verge of tears multiple times. This is the third book by Martha Beck that I've read this year. The first was Beyond Anxiety, which I wrote about in That Funny Feeling, and the second was Finding Your Own North Star, which I covered in La Verace Via.
The book serves as a guide to living a truthful and authentic life by aligning our choices with our inner truth. Beck's brilliance as a life coach is evident as she interweaves her personal experiences and those of her clients throughout the book.
To my great pleasure, just as she did in Finding Your Own North Star, Beck once more finds inspiration in Dante Alighieri's epic poem, The Divine Comedy.
The Way of Integrity employs Dante's Inferno as a framework to lead readers on a personal journey of self-discovery and alignment with their authentic selves. The book draws on the narrative of Dante's descent into hell and subsequent ascent to demonstrate the process of letting go of inauthenticity and embracing one's core values. Peppered with thought-provoking exercises that (for me at least) pointed to some cold facts, one can almost imagine being in a therapy session with the author.
"Reading is the way I've met most of my life teachers, and clients often tell me that just when they felt most confused, the perfect book seemed to "throw itself off the shelf" and into their attention."
Even self-help's most famous writers have exemplars. In Clear Thinking, Shane Parrish writes, "Show me your role models and I'll show you your future." Not only does Martha Beck invoke the spirit of Dante Alighieri, but she also draws inspiration from (among others) The Jungle Book and Joseph Campbell, as well as Immanuel Kant and Epictetus. If Martha Beck is Oprah Winfrey's life coach, Byron Katie is Beck's "favourite spiritual teacher" (episode 256 of The Mel Robbins Podcast). My post, The Uninvestigated Story, is centred on Byron Katie's book A Thousand Names for Joy, in which she reveals her method for managing false beliefs through what she calls Inquiry or The Work. Beck also weaves this into her book, providing solid reinforcement of the common threads that run through not only literature but also the very lives on which some of these books are based. Even the allegorical work by Dante is true to life in the sense that it tells a universal story of humankind's search for meaning and the pursuit of wholeness.
"The wound is the place where the light enters you." (Maulana Rumi)
I have found that the books that carry the most weight for me have been ones written by people who have transcended the hardships of life. They're like the living embodiment of Rumi's quote above. Martha Beck has written (and spoken) openly about her personal journey, and aside from lending inspiration, her life has also helped me gain perspective. Yes, like most of us, I have gone through pain and struggle, but I recognise that in the bigger scheme of things, I am a lot better off than most people. Knowing someone's deeply personal background and being aware of the pain they must have gone through opens one's eyes to reality. Knowing that someone has endured is admirable in itself, but watching them transform that experience into something beneficial for others is truly remarkable. Whether it's Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, or Nelson Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom, an autobiography that details the triumph of the human spirit is inspiring, and it can change lives.
I took copious amounts of notes while reading The Way of Integrity, and it brings me an inordinate amount of joy to see the similarities with other texts I have read. It's as if a giant puzzle is falling into place, and I'm the one adding the pieces while being guided by the multitude of exemplars I have come to know through this self-help journey. Whether by a life coach, a self-help guru, a philosopher or an autobiographer, these books are becoming the fence around the metaphorical crop that is my burgeoning mental health.
"Pinions of Immense Desire"
The above phrase is used in the context of Dante's journey through purgatory. If you haven't been through periods of intense mental anguish, let me assure you that it can sometimes feel like hell. Purgatory, on the other hand, is a state or process of purification - the pursuit of good. "The pinions of immense desire" eloquently conveys Dante’s notion that our deepest yearning for truth and love has the power to uplift the soul, not merely through effort, but through an innate, divine longing that functions like wings, raising us toward enlightenment. So, if I am in a purgatory of sorts, what am I trying to purge? What sin am I guilty of?
"If you're in a relatively comfortable place right now, with no one physically attacking you, the vast majority of any suffering you feel is coming from your thoughts."
And they're lying to you. Your thoughts are, that is. If, like Confucius says, "You are what you think", we are our thoughts. Through the transitive property of equality, if thoughts lie, and we are our thoughts, we are liars. And that's my sin. I am a liar. And it's the worst one according to Dante.
Martha Beck proposes the following:
"If it makes sense to you that suffering can come from your thinking, you're ready for another concept - the one crucial insight that can free you from hell. Here it is: your thoughts, even thoughts you absolutely believe, may not always be true."
I titled my post on Byron Katie's book A Thousand Names for Joy The Uninvestigated Story, because the work or inquiry she encourages involves taking a deep dive into what we perceive to be reality. Martha Beck words it slightly differently:
"We've seen that all our errors of innocence and righteousness come from false beliefs - either "lies" that we truly believe or, more commonly, assumptions we don't even know are there. We've gone through your inferno spotting these errors and assumptions, then questioning them. All this truth-telling makes you a kind of archeologist, digging into your own psyche."
Circling back to the word integrity, which also means 'wholeness', you experience integrity when your thoughts, feelings, actions, and beliefs are in harmony. Integrity is lost when you compromise your truth to fit in, appease others, or adhere to social norms. I have done this for so long, placed myself in situations, often to my detriment, to please others. By my own admission, I am a people pleaser - always wanting to keep the peace, not to rock the boat, to avoid any disturbance in the force. Gosh, I am tired of it. I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be in terms of prioritising my own needs over someone else's, but I think I've made progress. I believe that over the years, I have become somewhat of a loner because I no longer want to feel pressured to fit in, stand out, conform, or bend to the will of others.
One day, Martha Beck decided that for a year, she wouldn't tell a single lie. Given her status in the mindfulness and self-help space, I'm guessing that it worked out for her. In The Way of Integrity, she challenges her reader to do the same, even if just for a week. I'm going to give it a shot, and these are the kinds of truths I'd like to start telling:
QUESTION | ANSWER |
Would you like to (insert cringeworthy action here)? | No, I'd rather be dragged naked over broken glass, to be honest. |
How have you been? | If you have to know, life kinda sucks at the moment, and I'd much rather be curled up in bed with a book. |
Don't forget that (such and such) has to be done by (then and there). | I'll get to it when I'm good and ready. |
Martha Beck contends that nearly all types of suffering stem from not living in accordance with your true self. Even minor self-deceptions like saying you're okay when you're not or doing something when you don't want to can accumulate and result in anxiety and other forms of mental and emotional strain. The author encourages her readers to start telling micro-truths that are more aligned with how they truly feel. Everyone has a journey that is distinctly their own, and seeking approval from others can lead to distraction and misdirection. Harmony within is achieved when your outer existence aligns with your inner truth and wisdom. Bouts of anxiety and depression (extended or otherwise) are often a clear indication that you are out of alignment with your truth. Instead of ignoring and avoiding these feelings, they offer an opportunity to realign - to centre yourself and find your North Star again.
Coming Up Next Week
I'm a little behind with my reading and need to catch up. That said, I'll read Héctor Garcia and Francesc Miralles' Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life. It's a relatively short book, which may help me get back on track.
#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #thereisnostigma #youarenotalone #selfhelp #selfcare #wellness
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