No one's Damaged Goods
- devabritow
- Mar 30
- 6 min read
"Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility." (Denice Frohman)
I've realised that sometimes, I choose a topic to write about and other times, the topic chooses me. Last week, I mentioned that I might focus on Jeff Karp's book LIT ('Life Ignition Tools'), but I listened to an incredible podcast this week, and given my recent posts on #trauma, it felt like the natural theme to carry through. While I have referenced podcasts in the past, I haven't made one the focus of an entire blog post. But there's a first time for everything, and over the last few months, podcasts have become a mainstay on my #selfhelp journey. I have often found myself deeply moved and/or inspired by different podcasts, and, as with the books, I'm reminded that I am not alone - and so many people are going through the same experiences. In last week's post, That Funny Feeling, I cited Martha Beck's book Beyond Anxiety:
She writes that during the COVID-19 pandemic, people affected by anxiety and associated disorders rose from "298 million to 374 million". While these figures are staggering, there's an odd comfort in knowing that one isn't alone. I also believe there is strength in numbers. Over the last few years, people with shared mental health issues have been speaking up and reaching out - creating a community with a common purpose: management and/or recovery.
I have found that the books or podcasts that resonate with me the most are those written (or hosted) by people and experts who have lived the same experience. They've either dealt with #anxiety or #depression and can speak directly to that experience. In addition, any advice or tips they provide are tried and tested since they have either devised workable coping mechanisms themselves or shared knowledge they have embraced. In addition to Martha Beck, two such people are Mel Robbins and Dr Gabor Maté. In recent weeks, I have worked through Mel Robbins' The Let Them Theory in my post titled One Wild Precious Life: What On Earth Will I Do With It? and Dr Gabor Maté's The Myth of Normal in True Maturation. This past week, I listened to Mel Robbins speak to Dr Mate in her podcast, "Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How To Heal". This is the second time Robbins has interviewed Dr Maté. If you're interested in listening to his other fantastic appearance on The Mel Robbins Podcast, you can listen here: ('Dr. Gabor Maté: The Shocking Link Between ADHD, Addiction, Autoimmune Diseases & Trauma').
I have not been able to root the feelings of anxiety and depression I experience to any one thing. It remains a mystery, and I still don't believe I will have a massive breakthrough. In The Myth of Normal, Dr Gabor Maté writes about 'Big T' and 'Small T' trauma. By way of explanation, if 'Big T' trauma' is defined by experiencing war, sexual violence, a natural disaster or the like, then 'Small T' trauma is defined as bullying, relationship loss or interpersonal conflict (amongst others). Irrespective of how they're labelled, trauma in any form is complex. My sister, Shereen and I, for example, are currently going through a shared (traumatic) experience, but she copes better than I do. Is it because she is stronger than me, or does she have higher levels of serotonin? Did my parents raise her differently?
Mel Robbins poses the following to Dr Maté...
"One of the ways that I've seen people really deny the existence of trauma inside a family is between siblings. Where two siblings will grow up in the same household and be like, well, that never happened, or mom wasn't like that, or you're just being too sensitive. In your work, what have you discovered about how siblings can grow up in the same house?"
Circling back to those questions I posed about the difference between Shereen and me, the answers are clear-cut, as far as I am concerned. Yes, Shereen is stronger than I am, which I believe is an innate quality I have always admired in my older sister. Medically speaking, yes, she has higher levels of serotonin than I do. However, there is one difference that I seriously want to begin unpacking because Dr Maté's response to Mel Robbins' question above is this:
"No siblings grow up in the same house. No siblings have the same parents. No siblings have the same family. No siblings have the same childhood. Why not? There are a whole lot of reasons. Number one, there's the birth order. Parents don't relate to the first child the way they relate to the second child. Then there's gender differences... (and so on)."
I'm the third of four children. Shereen is the eldest, followed by Raoul, me, and finally, our baby brother Devon. We're all three years apart, so I would have been around two or three years old when this photo was taken. I love the look of pure adoration on Raoul's face in this photo, and for good reason. Shereen was born prematurely at seven months and was in the hospital for the first six weeks of her life. She could fit in a shoebox and had to be bathed with cotton wool. I remember my dad saying that her skin was translucent. She was born a fighter, and that fighting spirit has remained. I have witnessed her endure tough times, and she has always prevailed. She has never had to rely on prescription medication to help her cope, and she stands up for herself when she needs to. I, on the other hand..., well, I'm the opposite.
"It's not that you did something deliberately or consciously to hurt them (children). It's just that the way it worked is that trauma is transmitted transgenerationally, but that's not to blame anybody. And it's really important to remove blame because parents feel so guilty already."
Gabor Maté is very clear on this. Identifying trauma is not about placing blame but finding the root cause, with an end to healing. In True Maturation, I cited Maté's quote: "Trauma is not what happened to you or happened to somebody else. Trauma is what happened inside us... the wound that we're carrying." As I've said, I haven't been able to identify the wound, let alone try to heal it. But something in me makes me so different from my sister, and there's a degree of desperation in me wanting to find out what it is. In my post about The Let Them Theory, I mention how personable and relatable Mel Robbins is, and in the talk with Dr Maté she says something that may as well be taken from my own experience.
"And is it fair to say that another way to think about trauma is that it's something happening outside of you that creates this almost like alarm or bracing in your body. It's like it kind of flips you into that fight or flight. Because I have this experience of not, like going back through my childhood and not like seeing anything that's massive related to my parents but just having this sense of constantly being on edge, constantly feeling like it's my job to make everybody happy, don't say the wrong thing, this hypervigilance, and I never knew where it came from."
I could not have explained the above better than Mel Robbins. She nails it. This is my experience. I have come to understand that while my siblings and I were born to the same parents, we were raised by different people. I know the broad strokes of my parents' backstory. They lived most of their lives under the laws of apartheid. While my mom had a more financially sound upbringing, she was given to her father at the age of seven and raised by a vindictive stepmother. I've already discussed the religious aspect of my upbringing, so all things considered, I am aware that my parents had their share of #trauma (and still have in my mom's case).
To my detriment, I am a people pleaser. Unlike my sister, I rarely speak up for myself, or I'm willing to let a lot of things slide when I shouldn't. I shy away from conflict and will inconvenience myself to make someone happy. I hold my tongue. I toe the line. I've been described as a shrinking violet who would rather not be seen. My brothers are both gregarious personalities - the life of any party. So, why am I so different? Why was I such an anxious child? Why, in an era where corporal punishment was widely accepted, did I avoid floggings throughout my childhood? As adults, my siblings would ask my parents why I was spared the rod. Mom and Dad always said it was because I didn't deserve it. That may be so, but I also think it was because I was coddled. Was I coddled because they saw an innate timidness in me, or am I timid because I was coddled?
There are so many questions. If, as Denice Frohman suggests, healing is my responsibility, I'm looking forward to ameliorating the wound that still feels so raw despite not knowing where it is or where it came from.
#youarenotalone #thereisnostigma #letthem #mythofnormal #melrobbins #gabormate #themelrobbinspodcast #selfhelp #mindfulness #selfcare
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